Aka: I don't want to have to do work
Slightly embarrassing story here, but I find it funny and kind of typical. So, I went to this place today called HealthWorks. In conjunction with my upcoming internship at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, I had to take a drug test. I don't really care about these, because I don't ever do drugs of any kind, so I didn't have to do that crazy, "how long have had to have been clean?" that people seem to have to do. I woke up and used the bathroom, but then didn't again until I was going to this place at about 1pm, because I didn't want that awkward situation where I can't pee. I've never had that awkward situation. I can usually pee whenever you need me too, because I avoid going to the bathroom as much as possible and am usually super-saturated. Usually, in our student lab, I could fill the 125 mL containers easily with some spare. There was one guy in my major who could fill 3 or 4 of those cups in one go, but we nicknamed him Sir Pees-a-lot.
I go to this place and check in with the lady. I firmly believe that happiness is contagious. Since medical offices don't tend to have such a thing as happy people, I try to be especially happy. That's one of the only reasons that I'm sad I have given up most patient contact by going to Medical Lab, because I was a happy medical office worker. Since the State of New York doesn't tend to have such a thing as happy people, there were two things going against these people. The receptionist was fairly friendly, all things considered, and as I talked with her and continued to be happy, she started to get even friendlier. She got really friendly after she had taken a phone call and then forgot where we were and I said, "It's okay. I understand. I used to do exactly what you do, so I've been there before."
Then, I went to the place where I wait. The thing about drug-testing facilities is that they act like you're a criminal. I'm sure that they get a lot of criminals, seeing as they're doing drug-testing. But, I would wager a guess that about 75% of the people there are clean people who have never used drugs but are applying for jobs. The lady called me back, never really made eye contact with me. The entire time with this lady, I got the same vibe that I got from people with whom I worked at Soldier's and Sailor's Hospital a few years ago. The vibe is "My life sucks and if yours doesn't, you just haven't figured it out yet that it actually does." As an aside, I debated for a few moments there on the use of that word that some people consider swearing, but I don't think it's swearing, just crude, and I couldn't think of a less crude word that these people would actually use. Anyways, I start me time with her. She is determined to prove me wrong that happiness is contagious, or so it would seem. I eventually realize that she must be vaccinated.
I then go into little room they have that is half-bathroom-stall-half-prison-cell. I start to do my business into the cup. And then, I'm empty. It has never happened to me before. Then, I see that I only got to the 45-mL line. She wanted 75-mLs. I try and try, but no more water is available for body-exit. I sheepishly go out and ask if maybe I could try some water.
She tells me that if I do that, "we'll have to start a shy bladder log." Now, I know how to do drug testing. I'm an MLS. But I know nothing about the actual collection procedures. So, I don't know what a "shy bladder log" is (not to mention the fantastic mental images of a cartoon bladder, coyly peeking out from behind my uterus), but the way she says that, it sounds like a shy bladder log is something that equates to, "failing the test," "lifelong branding on your future drug-testing endeavors," or "massive physical pain." In a "you really, really don't want to do that" way. She says, "Do you have anything to give me?" I give her what is in the cup. So, she takes the 45 that I have and dumps it into the little pee cups and acts like it will be fine.
I leave, get home and google "shy bladder log." I have to figure out what this thing is. I find out all it means is that she has to record how much water I drank and then how long before I pee. So, when you told me that we weren't doing that, you just didn't want to work? You just didn't want to do your job? If they tell me there isn't enough pee in that cup, it is on your head, drug-testing lady.
I go to this place and check in with the lady. I firmly believe that happiness is contagious. Since medical offices don't tend to have such a thing as happy people, I try to be especially happy. That's one of the only reasons that I'm sad I have given up most patient contact by going to Medical Lab, because I was a happy medical office worker. Since the State of New York doesn't tend to have such a thing as happy people, there were two things going against these people. The receptionist was fairly friendly, all things considered, and as I talked with her and continued to be happy, she started to get even friendlier. She got really friendly after she had taken a phone call and then forgot where we were and I said, "It's okay. I understand. I used to do exactly what you do, so I've been there before."
Then, I went to the place where I wait. The thing about drug-testing facilities is that they act like you're a criminal. I'm sure that they get a lot of criminals, seeing as they're doing drug-testing. But, I would wager a guess that about 75% of the people there are clean people who have never used drugs but are applying for jobs. The lady called me back, never really made eye contact with me. The entire time with this lady, I got the same vibe that I got from people with whom I worked at Soldier's and Sailor's Hospital a few years ago. The vibe is "My life sucks and if yours doesn't, you just haven't figured it out yet that it actually does." As an aside, I debated for a few moments there on the use of that word that some people consider swearing, but I don't think it's swearing, just crude, and I couldn't think of a less crude word that these people would actually use. Anyways, I start me time with her. She is determined to prove me wrong that happiness is contagious, or so it would seem. I eventually realize that she must be vaccinated.
I then go into little room they have that is half-bathroom-stall-half-prison-cell. I start to do my business into the cup. And then, I'm empty. It has never happened to me before. Then, I see that I only got to the 45-mL line. She wanted 75-mLs. I try and try, but no more water is available for body-exit. I sheepishly go out and ask if maybe I could try some water.
She tells me that if I do that, "we'll have to start a shy bladder log." Now, I know how to do drug testing. I'm an MLS. But I know nothing about the actual collection procedures. So, I don't know what a "shy bladder log" is (not to mention the fantastic mental images of a cartoon bladder, coyly peeking out from behind my uterus), but the way she says that, it sounds like a shy bladder log is something that equates to, "failing the test," "lifelong branding on your future drug-testing endeavors," or "massive physical pain." In a "you really, really don't want to do that" way. She says, "Do you have anything to give me?" I give her what is in the cup. So, she takes the 45 that I have and dumps it into the little pee cups and acts like it will be fine.
I leave, get home and google "shy bladder log." I have to figure out what this thing is. I find out all it means is that she has to record how much water I drank and then how long before I pee. So, when you told me that we weren't doing that, you just didn't want to work? You just didn't want to do your job? If they tell me there isn't enough pee in that cup, it is on your head, drug-testing lady.
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