Why I feel like the flower on my kitchen table shouldn't belong to me
On my kitchen table, there is a flower. It was given to me by my ward as a Mother's Day gift. But I don't like looking at it, really. Because I feel like it shouldn't belong to me. Because I don't get recognizing people for things that they didn't really do anything for. And the prevailing idea is thatI should be recognized for being female. I just was born that way.
I have no problem with the idea that women are all born with maternal qualities. I have no problem saying that all women are nurturers. I do believe what one female general authority said, which is, "Women are mothers by virtue of their birth, not by virtue of having given birth." (I think it was Sheri Dew, but I'm not 100% on that). Women don't have to have actually given birth to a child to have fulfilled a mother role.
I spend a lot of time with kids. I dedicate my life to children. I am not a natural with many people--but I am natural with children. I just get them, and people keep on telling me that I'm so good with children, but I don't really have to think about it. Kids like me, and I like kids. I used to think everyone liked kids. People would say, "It's so awesome that you like kids so much!" I would think, incredulously, "Who doesn't like kids?!" I've come to realize that a lot of people don't like kids. I still don't get it, but I realize that. So, yes, I think that I have natural, maternal abilities. But that doesn't mean I deserve a flower. I know that I am an aunt, a camp director, a primary leader, a violin/piano teacher, a friend to many a child, the default watcher of children backstage at Irish dance performances, and a role model to children. I am quite aware that there are many children for whom I have filled a motherhood role at various times.
I know that there are women in addition to my actual mother who have mothered me. My aunt Evelyn served as a mother to me a few summers ago while I was, unbeknownst to me, at the fledgling end of a serious relationship but I wasn't read to admit it yet. I know that I had a YW camp leader who really meant a lot to me, and served a mother role. I had school-teachers who served mother roles, and more. And I think that it is wonderful to recognize them on mother's day, as well--individually.
If you want to give a Mother's Day card or gift to women other than your mother, I think that is very appropriate. But why does every woman get a flower at church? I'm not a mother. If I have fulfilled a mother role for you, I would love a note. That is special to me, and I want to do it for other women (I should be better). But me having reached the age of eighteen and having been born with no Y chromosome does not entitle me to a flower.
If having been born a woman entitled me to a Mother's Day gift, shouldn't be giving flowers to ALL of the girls. Including the three-month-olds. The age changes, but all wards say, "Could the women over x age (it was 18 in this ward, but I've seen 21 or 25), stand." Then, they awkwardly distribute the Mother's Day flowers. But why 18? There are several Laurels in our ward (16-18 year old girls, for non-Mormons), who, when our young Primary children see them, they run into their arms, yelling their names with joy. The Laurel will scoop them up and give them the most affectionate of hugs and start talking to them on their level, and loving them very completely. I think they qualify for the Mother's Day flower if the only rule is that you need to fulfill a mother role.
I was mentioning this concept to a coworker, whose recently had a baby, but he and his wife had experienced multiple miscarriages up to now. He mentioned that Mother's Day was always a difficult day for his wife because of that, and she really appreciated being seen as a mother, even though she had no living children. And I don't think it's wrong to recognize those women. Perhaps what I'm saying is they should say, "Would any woman who would like to be recognized as a mother please stand?"
I'm not saying Mother's Day hasn't been a hard day for me before--last year I was called out by name in public as an example of how women in the world today are shirking their divine responsibilities in favor of their careers. But, giving me a flower just feels somehow wrong to me. I feel like I stole something that I didn't deserve. (It also kind of feels like a consolation prize. As if they're saying, "Hey we know that you've failed to fulfill your role as a woman. But here's a flower. Thanks for trying.")
There are multiple meanings of mother. And I have fulfilled mother roles for some, but I am not a mother. I want to be a mother someday. And I don't know that I will, but that doesn't mean that I need a consolatory flower. But if I deserve a flower because I'm female, all the females should get flowers. If the girls under eighteen don't deserve flowers, then neither do I.
I have no problem with the idea that women are all born with maternal qualities. I have no problem saying that all women are nurturers. I do believe what one female general authority said, which is, "Women are mothers by virtue of their birth, not by virtue of having given birth." (I think it was Sheri Dew, but I'm not 100% on that). Women don't have to have actually given birth to a child to have fulfilled a mother role.
I spend a lot of time with kids. I dedicate my life to children. I am not a natural with many people--but I am natural with children. I just get them, and people keep on telling me that I'm so good with children, but I don't really have to think about it. Kids like me, and I like kids. I used to think everyone liked kids. People would say, "It's so awesome that you like kids so much!" I would think, incredulously, "Who doesn't like kids?!" I've come to realize that a lot of people don't like kids. I still don't get it, but I realize that. So, yes, I think that I have natural, maternal abilities. But that doesn't mean I deserve a flower. I know that I am an aunt, a camp director, a primary leader, a violin/piano teacher, a friend to many a child, the default watcher of children backstage at Irish dance performances, and a role model to children. I am quite aware that there are many children for whom I have filled a motherhood role at various times.
I know that there are women in addition to my actual mother who have mothered me. My aunt Evelyn served as a mother to me a few summers ago while I was, unbeknownst to me, at the fledgling end of a serious relationship but I wasn't read to admit it yet. I know that I had a YW camp leader who really meant a lot to me, and served a mother role. I had school-teachers who served mother roles, and more. And I think that it is wonderful to recognize them on mother's day, as well--individually.
If you want to give a Mother's Day card or gift to women other than your mother, I think that is very appropriate. But why does every woman get a flower at church? I'm not a mother. If I have fulfilled a mother role for you, I would love a note. That is special to me, and I want to do it for other women (I should be better). But me having reached the age of eighteen and having been born with no Y chromosome does not entitle me to a flower.
If having been born a woman entitled me to a Mother's Day gift, shouldn't be giving flowers to ALL of the girls. Including the three-month-olds. The age changes, but all wards say, "Could the women over x age (it was 18 in this ward, but I've seen 21 or 25), stand." Then, they awkwardly distribute the Mother's Day flowers. But why 18? There are several Laurels in our ward (16-18 year old girls, for non-Mormons), who, when our young Primary children see them, they run into their arms, yelling their names with joy. The Laurel will scoop them up and give them the most affectionate of hugs and start talking to them on their level, and loving them very completely. I think they qualify for the Mother's Day flower if the only rule is that you need to fulfill a mother role.
I was mentioning this concept to a coworker, whose recently had a baby, but he and his wife had experienced multiple miscarriages up to now. He mentioned that Mother's Day was always a difficult day for his wife because of that, and she really appreciated being seen as a mother, even though she had no living children. And I don't think it's wrong to recognize those women. Perhaps what I'm saying is they should say, "Would any woman who would like to be recognized as a mother please stand?"
I'm not saying Mother's Day hasn't been a hard day for me before--last year I was called out by name in public as an example of how women in the world today are shirking their divine responsibilities in favor of their careers. But, giving me a flower just feels somehow wrong to me. I feel like I stole something that I didn't deserve. (It also kind of feels like a consolation prize. As if they're saying, "Hey we know that you've failed to fulfill your role as a woman. But here's a flower. Thanks for trying.")
There are multiple meanings of mother. And I have fulfilled mother roles for some, but I am not a mother. I want to be a mother someday. And I don't know that I will, but that doesn't mean that I need a consolatory flower. But if I deserve a flower because I'm female, all the females should get flowers. If the girls under eighteen don't deserve flowers, then neither do I.
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