Age of Empires


Oh, the memories. I have a lot of bonded relationships with my brothers (especially Caleb) from Age of Empires.  A game that we could win together (or he could destroy me at), and we could talk about ad nauseum.  Oh, PC games that didn't revolve around the first-person shooting of enemies.  I even was called "hot" in high school when someone found out that I liked Age of Empires.

With these glorious memories of Age of Empires, I was excited to learn that they are, after years, releasing a new expansion pack.  I don't know that it will mean that I really play it again more or anything, but it brings back memories.

Age of Empires also has its own meme.  The "Age of Empires Logic" meme.  It has a picture of the knight from the logo saying things that only make sense in Age of Empires.  These are things that I sometimes thought about back in my AoE days.  In honor of the release of Age of Empires' new expansion, I present forty statements of logic from Age of Empires that don't really make that much sense when you think about them, but are very true.  Many of these are ones that I have probably seen as memes, but I don't know necessarily.  Some of them are thoughts from my own mind.



1)      Converting elephants to Christianity
2)      A transport can fit ten elephants, but that eleventh archer?  No way.  (some argue it is because an infinite number of arrows takes up way more room than an elephant)
3)      Arrows can take down castles—provided you shoot it enough times.
4)      Castles catch fire from swords
5)      Peasants can put out fires by hammering around the base of a castle.
6)      Buildings can burn indefinitely, provided no one touches it with anymore weapons.
7)      Peasant whacks sheep with crook—sheep is dead
8)      Turkey hunting is easy
9)      Execute idle villagers
10)   Collecting all berries from a bush renders the bush non-existent
11)   Obese kings run faster than fudging cavalry
12)   Monks normally need a walking stick to walk.  But they can carry a relic bigger than their entire body no problem.
13)  Villagers can’t figure out how to reseed their farms by themselves (fixed in the Conquerors Expansion)
14)  Asian castles appear to be made of wood—but you still need as much stone to build them as for European/American hemisphere/Middle Eastern ones.
15)  Entire armies chasing one peasant—we are monsters
16)  Leftover armies=suicide missions
17)  Peasant is being attacked by a wolf.  They have a fudging axe. They keep chopping wood.
18)  Joan of Arc has awesome fighting skills.  Keep her away from combat at all costs.  If she dies, we lose.  By default.
19)  Ditto El Cid
20)  Ditto William Wallace
21)  Ditto Erik the Red
22)  Ditto Saladin
23)  Etc.
24)   Trees defend your cities better than stone walls
25)  One villager lives—that’s enough to rebuild your entire society.
26)  They have one abandoned lumber camp—that warrants about six trebuchets and at least 30 cavalry.
27)   Stay away from the following at all times:  Teutonic knights, arbalests, British Longbowmen, Conquistadors, Huskarls, Jaguar Warriors
28)  Mayans value the exact same relics as Franks
29)  One foreign horseman enters village—everyone to the town center and shoot arrows!
30)  Archers cannot shoot arrows from walls…only towers
31)  If a civilization cannot get paladins…they are not a very good civilization.
32)  You can take over the world with a Cathedral.
33)  Villagers apparently have bows—they use them to hunt deer.  And yet, if enemies attack, they defend themselves with a knife.
34)  Trebuchets speak bongo-drum
35)  The Spanish are better at dismantling buildings?
36)  Sheep have allegiances
37)  Need to destroy Persia?  30 Knights oughtta do it.
38)   Take berries to the town center and they change into steak
39)   Childbirth sounds roughly like “Shhh-ho”
40)  Learning to play the game includes being indoctrinated to hate the British

Any others that I missed?

Comments

Sam said…
In regards to Mayans and Franks valuing the same relics, consider that relics create gold from thin air. That's pretty universally cool.
April 10, 2015 at 4:50 PM
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