The Anatomy of a Yoga Classroom
So, I've noticed something about Yoga Classrooms. They always have about the same layout in terms of the people. It is important you recognize this, so that if you are ever to enter a yoga classroom, you don't mess this up. Now, the names are assigned based on the usual genders, but in no way is this exclusive. You can have Humble Harry-s that are girls. And you can have Mama Maries that are actually Papa Peters. It's just a generalization.
First, the general layout of the classroom:
The next important thing is to not actually pay any attention to the size of the individual yoga mats, because it means nothing.
Instructor
Of course, this may seem obvious. But this is where the instructor always is. They talk in a slow and calming voice and a lot of times are much older than you would think yoga instructors are, but are still buff, so no one cares.
Humble Harry
Every yoga class has one of these. These are the guys who sit in the class and make everyone else look awful, but they're not trying to. They're the ones that while Instructor says, "This would be a good time to lift into crane, but if you can't, that's okay too," and everyone is trying to get to crane, they're doing their own thing. Then, Instructor looks up and says, "Oh, I'm liking the side cranes!" Instructor...it's just Humble Harry. Don't pluralize that. There is only one side crane going on in here. But at the end of class, Humble Harry just acts like everyone was doing what he was doing. They are not stuck-up about it at all, so you can't hate them for it.
Me-Too Mike
This is our friend who really wants to be Humble Harry, but just doesn't quite have the skill. As soon as Instructor compliments the side cranes, Me-Too Mike is right there trying the side crane and falling over. They're usually talented yogis, but just not quite that talented.
Yoga Yolanda
Yoga Yolanda is usually a fairly talented yogi, but not as talented as she thinks she is. Also, Yoga Yolanda wears tight-tight-tight yoga pants that you can see through. They are so see through that you can either tell what color of underwear she is wearing, or that she isn't, which is worse. She will always place her mat directly in front of Instructor.
Buff Brad
Buff Brad is a muscle-bound tough guy who is here to show everyone how sissy yoga is. By the end of class, Buff Brad is huffing and puffing and just laying on his mat. He doesn't even know enough that when you're tired, you have to prove that you still know yoga by wimping out into child's pose. He places his mat in front of Instructor, but by the end of class, really wishes he hadn't.
Social Sallies
These are the girls that have all the yoga clothes and put their mats very close together and sound like a gaggle of geese up until the time class starts and then will start up as soon as the words "Namaste" are uttered at the end.
Used-To Ursula
Ursula puts her mat right next to Humble Harry, because she knows that she used to be him. It's just that she got older and now she can't anymore. Or at least that's what she tells everyone.
Overweight Olivia
Overweight Olivia is one of the most loveable people in yoga class. She is not in good shape, and her poses look awful. About twenty minutes in, she has had enough and decides to leave. But she will be back next week, and you really respect her for trying. She will always put her mat in the far-far corner of the room where she thinks no one can see her, but she doesn't realize that the mirrors show that corner better than the front corner.
Middle-Aged Mark
Middle-Aged Mark is similar to Overweight Olivia, but he is usually not as obese, and he stays the whole time. He also always puts his mat next to Overweight Olivia, because he likes his poses compared to hers.
Mama Maries
These are our 40-45-year-old Mamas who are great, great friends (and probably their kids are, too), who tell us all about how they were in perfect shape. Then babies happened. And now they're living out their New Year's Resolutions
New-Here Nancy
New-Here Nancy varies in skill, but she will place her mat as close to the door as possible, because she doesn't know anyone and really doesn't want to wade through the mountain of people at the beginning of class to claim a spot anywhere else.
Other People
There are, of course, people in yoga class who fit none of these categories. That's why I left empty mats for them to come and join.
Now you know all about the anatomy of a yoga classroom. I hope that this has been educational, and that if you ever find yourself in a yoga class, you will know where to put your mat. You don't want to upset the delicate balance of the yoga classroom. It throws off the energy.
First, the general layout of the classroom:
The next important thing is to not actually pay any attention to the size of the individual yoga mats, because it means nothing.
Instructor
Of course, this may seem obvious. But this is where the instructor always is. They talk in a slow and calming voice and a lot of times are much older than you would think yoga instructors are, but are still buff, so no one cares.
Humble Harry
Every yoga class has one of these. These are the guys who sit in the class and make everyone else look awful, but they're not trying to. They're the ones that while Instructor says, "This would be a good time to lift into crane, but if you can't, that's okay too," and everyone is trying to get to crane, they're doing their own thing. Then, Instructor looks up and says, "Oh, I'm liking the side cranes!" Instructor...it's just Humble Harry. Don't pluralize that. There is only one side crane going on in here. But at the end of class, Humble Harry just acts like everyone was doing what he was doing. They are not stuck-up about it at all, so you can't hate them for it.
Me-Too Mike
This is our friend who really wants to be Humble Harry, but just doesn't quite have the skill. As soon as Instructor compliments the side cranes, Me-Too Mike is right there trying the side crane and falling over. They're usually talented yogis, but just not quite that talented.
Yoga Yolanda
Yoga Yolanda is usually a fairly talented yogi, but not as talented as she thinks she is. Also, Yoga Yolanda wears tight-tight-tight yoga pants that you can see through. They are so see through that you can either tell what color of underwear she is wearing, or that she isn't, which is worse. She will always place her mat directly in front of Instructor.
Buff Brad
Buff Brad is a muscle-bound tough guy who is here to show everyone how sissy yoga is. By the end of class, Buff Brad is huffing and puffing and just laying on his mat. He doesn't even know enough that when you're tired, you have to prove that you still know yoga by wimping out into child's pose. He places his mat in front of Instructor, but by the end of class, really wishes he hadn't.
Social Sallies
These are the girls that have all the yoga clothes and put their mats very close together and sound like a gaggle of geese up until the time class starts and then will start up as soon as the words "Namaste" are uttered at the end.
Used-To Ursula
Ursula puts her mat right next to Humble Harry, because she knows that she used to be him. It's just that she got older and now she can't anymore. Or at least that's what she tells everyone.
Overweight Olivia
Overweight Olivia is one of the most loveable people in yoga class. She is not in good shape, and her poses look awful. About twenty minutes in, she has had enough and decides to leave. But she will be back next week, and you really respect her for trying. She will always put her mat in the far-far corner of the room where she thinks no one can see her, but she doesn't realize that the mirrors show that corner better than the front corner.
Middle-Aged Mark
Middle-Aged Mark is similar to Overweight Olivia, but he is usually not as obese, and he stays the whole time. He also always puts his mat next to Overweight Olivia, because he likes his poses compared to hers.
Mama Maries
These are our 40-45-year-old Mamas who are great, great friends (and probably their kids are, too), who tell us all about how they were in perfect shape. Then babies happened. And now they're living out their New Year's Resolutions
New-Here Nancy
New-Here Nancy varies in skill, but she will place her mat as close to the door as possible, because she doesn't know anyone and really doesn't want to wade through the mountain of people at the beginning of class to claim a spot anywhere else.
Other People
There are, of course, people in yoga class who fit none of these categories. That's why I left empty mats for them to come and join.
Now you know all about the anatomy of a yoga classroom. I hope that this has been educational, and that if you ever find yourself in a yoga class, you will know where to put your mat. You don't want to upset the delicate balance of the yoga classroom. It throws off the energy.
Comments