Life Lessons to Our Daughters, with love from "Twilight"

With the last Twilight movie coming out, we all hear about it.  I've even heard that this one was genuinely good.  I must admit, I have not read all of the Twilight books.  I started the first one.  I can actually excuse bad writing to mediocre, if the story is quite good (for example, Harry Potter).   However, Twilight was badly written smut, so I never felt any need to finish it.  Recently, however, I've really been thinking about the messages that Twilight sends to young girls.  People tell me that Edward Cullen is not abusive.  I answered a crisis line for many years.  I am very versed in the patterns and symptoms of abusive relationships.  And just because he really does love her, and protects her, and gives her gifts, doesn't make him not abusive.  Newsflash to people who don't know about abusive relationships:  most abusive partners do the three above things.  Abusive relationships are not about hate, they are about power.  And part of the textbook abuse cycle is the abusive partner feeling bad for their actions and showering the victim with praise, gifts, love and apologies.  Abusive partners, almost without exception, do love their victims.  This doesn't make them any less abusive, and it doesn't make it any more okay.

But, that's not the only thing.  So, I present, Lessons to Our Daughters, with love from "Twilight."

1) If a boy feels the urge to hurt you, or even to kill you, it doesn't matter.  So long as he loves you. 

2) When a boy dumps you, it is normal and acceptable to fall into depression and anxiety.

3) It is romantic to put yourself into dangerous situations.

4) Your memory of your partner should be of him yelling at you.

5) Non-abusive males are not options when your true love leaves you.

6) Speaking of that non-abusive male, it is okay to lead him on for awhile.  Use him.  Get him to do things for you, fix things for you.  So what if he is doing it because you've led him on?  You got what you needed.

7) It is fine to lie to your parents.

8) Grand theft auto is completely acceptable, so long as you are doing it for love.

9) When your partner is the cause of you being beaten such that you end up in the hospital, the best thing to tell the doctors is that "you fell down the steps."

10) If you love him enough, he will change.

11) If you are having mental health problems (such as depression), suicide is the best option and hope should not be sought.

12) If a man sneaks into your bedroom at night, he must really love you.

13) It is natural for women to receive bruises while making love.

14) Your entire relationship greatly resembles a drug addiction.  That's love.

15) He may yell at you, hurt you, put you in harm's way and emotionally manipulate you.  But he loves you, so it's okay.


Do we really want our daughters thinking this way?  I take the moment here to write to any future daughters I may have.  If a man hurts you, he may love you.  But, it still doesn't make it okay.  There are men out there who will respect you and love you, and would never harm a hair on your head.  And those are the men who you deserve. If a boy dumps you, it may be hard.  But there is no such thing as a soul mate, and you can still have a successful life, and probably even a happy marriage.  Dangerous situations are never safe.  Your memory of a man who loves you should be kind, gentle and loving.  Just as it is not okay for men to use you, it is also not okay to use men.  If you do not love a boy, don't inflict the same abuse on him that I'm telling you to not accept from a man.  Lying is not okay.  And neither is grand theft auto.  Doctor-patient honesty and communication is key to any proper healthcare relationship.  Besides, most doctors can see through the lies.  He probably will not change.  You can't change people.  He doesn't need to be perfect, but don't marry someone who you don't love and feel safe with as is.  Depression is not the way Heavenly Father intends for you to live your life, and there is help through religious and medical means (both are important).  If a man comes into your room at night, call your father, and he will deal with that man.  If you are away from home, call the police.  Women (or men, for that matter) should not feel physical pain because of any relationship.   Love is a lot more than chemistry.  I'm a Medical Lab Scientist.  I know all about the endorphins, the serotonin, the testosterone, the estrogen, the progesterone and so on.  But love is a lot bigger than neuroendocrine impulse.  Long story short, if he yells at you, he doesn't deserve you.  Some other man does.  If he hurts you, he doesn't deserve you.  Some other man does.  If he manipulates you, he doesn't deserve you.  Some other man does.  There are so many examples of men in literature who love and respect women and protect their wives/girlfriends/etc. I have a whole list for your perusal, if you'd like.   Find them, and then find a man like that.